DEAR MAN: Tools for Communication

One Straightforward Skill to Set Boundaries with Others

July 19, 2024 | by Maggie Osinski, LCSW, LISCW

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a therapeutic framework that teaches specific and tangible skills to help you navigate the world effectively. DEAR MAN is a tool that can be used to improve communication and set boundaries with others in a clear, concise, and respectful manner.

DEAR MAN is an acronym that outlines specific steps to communicate your needs, wants, and boundaries to others. Using this skill will help reduce your anxiety before, during, and after difficult conversations. Integrating this skill into your repertoire will increase your likelihood of getting what you want, while alleviating the guessing game of how.

Describe

Express

Assert

Reinforce

Mindfully

Appear Confidence

Negotiate

Describe-

This first tip is to describe the current situation while sticking to the facts. You'll want to tell the person what you are reacting to, while being specific and objective.

Example: "You told me you would ... but you didn't."

Express -

It is important to express your authentic feelings, thoughts, and opinions about the situation at hand without assuming the other person already knows. No one can read your mind, no matter how well they know you.

It is most helpful to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Using phases that begin with "I feel..." or "I don't like it when..." instead of "You should(n't)." Otherwise the person may feel attacked and naturally become defensive.

Example: " I feel worried and think something bad might have happened to you when..."

Assert -

Assert yourself by asking for what you want to saying no clearly.

Don't assume that that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind."

Example: "It would really help me if you would ..."

Reinforce -

When communicating your want or need to the other person, reinforce the positive effects of getting this want or need met, and (if necessary) clarify the negative consequences if it is not met. Also, remember to reward the desired behavior after the fact with positive reinforcement.

Example: "I would be so relieved, and less likely to become frustrated with you if you do that."

 ...and...

"Thank you for doing X like we talked about. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and consideration."

Mindfulness -

When setting a boundary or asking for a need to be met, stay focused, on topic, and avoid distractions from your initial goal. It's okay (and likely beneficial) to sound like a broken record and express your feeling, thought, opinion and need over and over again. If the other person becomes defensive, ignore their attacks and attempts to deflect or change the topic. Continue to make your point and ignore their attempts to deviate from your initial goal

Example: "I hear you, and I would still appreciation if you would X ..."

Appear Confident -

Using a confident tone of voice, physical posture, and maintaining eye contact are tools for appearing confidence and will improve the effectiveness of your communication. Try to avoid stammering, speaking quietly, breaking eye contact, or retreating.

Negotiate -

As Marsha Linehan articulates: "Be willing to give to get." Offer solutions to the problem at hand, and remember to invite the other person to make suggestions as well. Work together to find a common ground solution that benefits both parties. Focus on what will work, not on what won't.

Example: "How about you X when ... What do you think about this option?"

...and...

"What do you think we should do? ... What feels doable for you?"

Find Your Voice with DEAR MAN

I have a personal appreciation for DEAR MAN, as it has been a game changer in my own ability to engage in difficult conversations with friends, family, co-workers, partners, and even my baritsa!

Want more tips on communication and how to set boundaries with others? 

Book a Therapy Session with Maggie to get started on your healing path!

Get Support